February 2012
7 posts
three more consonants and a vowel
Sam: [Both are overcome by exhaustion] Do you remember the Shire, Mr. Frodo? It’ll be spring soon. And the orchards will be in blossom. And the birds will be nesting in the hazel thicket. And they’ll be sowing the summer barley in the lower fields… and eating the first of the strawberries with cream. Do you remember the taste of strawberries? Frodo: No, Sam. I can’t recall...
Recap
In the White House crawl space, Barack Obama frantically searches for the nation’s jobs. Michelle Obama appears overhead as Obama yells, “Where are they!? Where are they?!? The jobs, Michelle!… WHERE ARE THE JOBS!?!?!” Michelle reveals that the jobs went overseas, which causes Obama to scream, cry, and then laugh maniacally
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Game of Thrones!
Ned Stark: Winter is coming…
Ned Stark: and…[DOORBELL RINGS] he’s here
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
[ENTER WINTER STARK, THE STARK’S BUFFOONISH COUSIN]
Winter: Miss me?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
Ned Stark: …watch your step
[WINTER TRIPS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
[NED STARK SMILES KNOWINGLY AT THE CAMERA]
Ned Stark: The only game you should be in, Winter, is the game...
Alchemists Make Breakthrough
A significant leap forward was made today for the long dead science of alchemy when a team of Alchemists successfully transmuted actor Jeremy Irons into Jeremy Golds
SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY
THIS 4TH OF JULY WEEKEND PREPARE TO FUCKING LEARN AS JERKTOWN PROUDLY PRESENTS MEGA LECTURE SUNDAY AT THE MILLER HIGH LIFE LECTURE HALL!!! FEATURING YOUR FAVORITE NOBEL PRIZE LAUREATES INCLUDING MARIO “SATAN’S CLIT” LLOSA, LEYMAH “PEACE PUNCHER” GBOWEE, AND KONSTANTIN “THE DIRTY RUSSIAN” NOVOSELOV AS THEY BRAWL WITH YOUR SHIT STAIN MINDS IN AN...
January 2012
9 posts
Quotes From President Obama's State of The Union...
8:00 PM “What’s up, turds”
8:02 PM “*burps*”
8:03 PM “Pro wrestling is real”
8:07 PM “Hold on is it showing? Are you guys getting this? I made a powerpoint, it should be showing up…”
8:15 PM “Heh, I thought a side wipe would liven things up a little, you know, as a cool transition to the next slide. Ok, there’s the fly in...
Jobs
Under job experience you listed: “I’ve read The Book of Job countless times.” You’re hired. Welcome to Chick-Fil-A.
1 tag
Powerful Thu'ums For Teens
“FUK YOU DAD”
“PUNKS NOT DEAD”
“HOMO SAYS WHAT”
“EAT MY SHORTS”
The Black Eyed Peas Experience FAQ
********************
Don't overlook some of the basics, tonight's gonna be a good night.
********************
_______________________________________________________________________________
[2] Introduction
_______________________________________________________________________________
I would like to thank everyone that makes this game...
I Don't Know Much About Politics
I don’t know much about politics, but I’ll tell you this: If politics can work on its stuff and really bring it in the off-season, then we can definitely see a change in something when politics comes back. Politics is gonna do what it’s gonna do, and that should make for an interesting thing this year.
Things To Look Out For During Tonight's Iowa...
Wolves
Highwaymen
Evil That Does Not Sleep
Ron Paul’s Necromancers
Postal Worker FACTS
Mailmen are actually fucked up Golems. Dogs hate Golems. This is why dogs hate Mailmen.
Receiving your mail from the hands of a postal worker is tantamount to suicide. The postal worker/mail recipient interaction is an EXCHANGE. The postal worker gives you the mail and you give the postal worker your soul. There’s a reason why we have mailboxes. Never confront the postal worker.
Did you...
December 2011
5 posts
Selected Lines From The War Horse Screenplay
[HORSE gallops across field]
[WOUNDED SOLDIER gazes upon galloping horse]
WOUNDED SOLDIER: That’s not just any horse. That’s a war horse.
ALBERT: A horse like you needs a name, I think I’ll call you…War Horse
ALBERT: I don’t want you going off to war, War Horse. I don’t want you to become…a war horse
[A GERMAN LIEUTENANT finds the horse on...
City of Philadelphia Has No Idea Who Joe Frazier...
Commemorating the commission of the bronze statue depicting fictional boxer Rocky Balboa, the city of Philadelphia asserted its total unawareness of the recently deceased real life boxer/random dude, Joe Frazier. Frazier, who actually did punch a carcass of meat and run up the steps of the Philly Museum of Art, was a treasured/unknown citizen of Philadelphia and may or may not have been a...
A Message To Future Architects From Gotham City's...
So you want to be an Architect? You’re going to school, taking out loans, learning all the styles from Art Deco to Bauhaus to Brutalism and so forth. Well, I’m here to tell you to fuck all that shit and learn about the one thing you’ll ever need to make it in Architecture: Gargoyles. Just put those fuckin’ things everywhere. “But Mister, I’m designing an...
andrewmcclain asked: help - I'm Presbyterian but I only believe in the first 151 Pokemon - is there a place for people like me?
A Message From Herman Cain
WRITTEN BY HERMAN CAIN
Hello, America.
It’s me, Herman Cain. Some of y’all are getting saucy with me on matters concerning my exit from the GOP race. Y’all ask, “Herman, why are you leaven? Sure, your campaign ads are cheesy, but your poll numbers are risin’!”. Dough I’m not a fan of explaining myself to haters, I’ve decided to finally...
You Know Who Would Make A Great President? Michael...
Written by MICHAEL DUKAKIS
I’ve been hearing a lot of news about the turbulent economy and a subpar presidential administration and I think the solution to all our problems is the election of Michael Dukakis to the American presidency. Remember Michael? He’s still here, wearing the same suit he did on election day circa 1988. In fact, Michael Dukakis still has his suitcase and...
November 2011
11 posts
He's Making A List, He's Checking It Twice; Gonna...
NORTH POLE (AP) -
Santa Claus has opted out of making his annual list of who’s naughty and who’s nice in favor of a top ten albums of 2011 list. When asked to comment, Mr. Claus stated “You know, I think my followers would greatly appreciate my consideration of this year’s musical output from such incredible new releases as Bon Iver and St. Vincent to the strong debut...
2 tags
The Jerktown 2011 Best Albumens Of The Year
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Indie Music Buzz Sensation "Lacks Authenticity"...
A firestorm erupted on the internet this past month as one well off music blogger defiantly stated that the latest indie flavor of the month to break big lacked a certain amount of authenticity and that their rise to underground fame reeked of mainstream machination and self branding. The privileged blogger, drinking the preferred beer of the working class while wearing a pair of thrift store...
Note From Pest Control: Looks Like You Got An...
Yep.
It seems the problem all along was all the dumb shit lining the walls of your wack ass house. I combed every inch of your turgid piss lair, Mr. Malinowski, and I’m saddened to say that this turd heap is full of stupid shit that shouldn’t be here. Like this one poster for a “Game of Thrones”? That’s probably why you can’t sleep at night. And this bookcase...
My very dear Margaret,
The indications are very...
Flexing My Adonis Muscles Is Not A Crime
The Arby’s parking lot must accommodate my glistening washboard abs as a citizen of these United States of America. I have the right to bear ridiculously sculpted arms in the vicinity of a fast food restaurant. If my fellow patrons have a problem with my masterful pectoral techniques then they need to get out of my guns’ line of fire.
Wild Card
Chief: Goddamn it, McGruff! I want you to take a bite out of CRIME, not the POSTMAN! The dog days are over, McGruff! I'm putting you in the doghouse!
McGruff: I'm done playing fetch, Chief
Chief: It's no longer a dog eat dog world, there are rules now...
McGruff: You're working me like a dog, Chief-
Chief: That's because you ARE a dog, McGruff!
McGruff: You can't teach an old dog new tricks, Chief. Even you know that.
Chief: I'm telling you to quit it, McGruff. I'd have you doing paperwork but we both know you'd eat it.
McGruff: Chief, this postal worker lead is going somewhere. I know it.
Chief: You're barking up the wrong tree, McGruff! Whatever the postal service did to you, you need to get over it! Let sleeping dogs lie, McGruff!
McGruff: You'd throw me to the dogs, Chief...
Chief: I'm tired of this dog and pony show. You're not the top dog anymore, McGruff.
McGruff: Every dog has its day, Chief. There's life in this old dog yet.
Chief: You're a dirty dog, McGruff! You ain't nothin' but a hound dog! The D.A.'s gonna have you on a leash!
McGruff: The D.A.'s got a dog's chance of reigning me in, Chief. It'll be raining cats and dogs before I'm off this case.
Chief: If you lie down with dogs, you'll get up with fleas, McGruff! Remember that. Your lead's a case of the tail wagging the dog.
McGruff: I'm done here, Chief.
Chief: Get the hell out of my office
[Chief throws tennis ball out of office. McGruff chases after it.]